A woman calls her butler into her bedroom, "Charles," she says. "Yes, madam?" answers the butler. "Charles, take off my dress." "Yes, madam," he says, and removes the dress. "Charles, take off my bra." "Yes, madam," He says and takes off her bra. "Now, Charles, take off my shoes and stockings." " Yes, madam," he says and removes her shoes and stockings. "Now, take off my panties. And I'm warning you, Charles: You're going to lose your job if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again."
During an international gynecological conference in Switzerland, an American doctor and a French doctor are having a discussion about some of their recent cases. The French gynecologists says, "Only last week, zis woman she comes eento my offes. When I exameen her cleetoris- I must zay to you, et was ezactly like a melon." "Don't be ridiculous," replies the American. "Why, if it would've been that big, she wouln't have been able to walk!" The French gynecologist shakes is head. " Aaah, zer you go again. You americans are always talkeeng about ze size.... I was talkeeng about ze flavor."
Confucius say: Man who fight with wife all day get no pice at night.
Q: What's the difinition of eternity? A: It's the length of time between when YOU come, and SHE  leaves.
One night a man got into my cab, and after conversing for a few minutes, completely out of the blue he asked me, " If you woke up one mornig and found vaseline in your asshole, would you tell anybody?" I said "No, I wouldn't" So he said  "Well then, would you go camping with me?"
Q: How many men would it take to screw in a lightbulb. A: Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a rooster?  A: a rooster says "Cock-a-doodle-do" and a prostitute says, "any cock'll do."
A deaf couple on their wedding night are nuzzling together, when the shy bride taps her husband on the shoulder and signs to him, " How should I let you know when I want to make love" The husband signs back, "just pull my penis once." So the woman giggles, and nuzzles up against her husband again. A few moments later, she taps him again. When he looks over at her, she signs, "How should I let you know when I don't want to make love?" The man signs her, "Just pull my penis forty times."
A chinese man and his wife start to make love. They start to get into it, and when it starts getting really hot, the man says to the woman, "How about a number four?" The woman jumps out of the bed and says angrily, "How can you think of chicken broccoli at a time like this?"
Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother is lying in her bed when the wolf bursts in through her door. "Give me all your money" he demands, snarling and showing his teeth. "Oh no, you don't," says the grandmother, pulling a revolver out from under the covers and training it on the wolf. "You're going to EAT me, like it says in the book!"
Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?  A: To keep their ankles warm
A husband and wife get into bed, and as soon as they're beneath the sheets the man makes a romantic move on the woman. The wife says, "Honey,  I have an appointment with my gynecologist tomorrow mornig so I'd rather not do it tonight. Is that okay?" "Sure," replies the husband. After a moment's pause, he asks, "You don't have an appointment tommorow morning with your dentist, do you?"
Q: What's the worst thing about being atheist?  A: When you're getting a blowjob, you've got no one to talk to.
A gay guy develops a crush on his proctologist, so he makes an appointment with him. As soon as the doctor begins the examenation he tells his patient to bend over. The man does this, and the doctor takes one look inside and says, "I can't believe it there's a bouquet of roses up your ass." The man says excitedly, "Read the card! Read the card!"
Q: What happens when a joker takes viagra?  A: He grows taller.
A man down on his luck goes home to her wwife and tells her, "Look dear, we're low on money now, and we're going to have to cut down on some luxuries." He then adds scornfully, "If YOU would learn to cook, we could fire the chef." "In that case," replies the woman, "if YOU would learn to make love, we could fire the chauffeur."
A doctor says to his elderly patient, "I've got some bad news for you. You have AIDS and Alzheimer's disease." "Oh, whew," gasps the old man, "thank God I don't have AIDS!"
The government announced today that it's new emblem is going to be a condom, since it more clearly represents what the governmnt does. A condom stands up to inflamation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it's screwing you.
Did you here about the tight end who went to prison? He came out a wide receiver.
The phone rings in the home of a middle-aged woman. She picks it up and on the other end is an obscene caller. He begins telling her all the perverted things he wants to do to her. Then she says, "All this you know from just me saying hello?"
Confucius say: Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
A woman goes into a card shop. She walks around, looking at all the different diplays, and finally goes over to the manager. He says to her, "May I help you, Miss?" "I'm not sure," says the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards."
A man walks up to a lady on the street and asks, "Can I paint you in the nude?" She replies, "I'm not a model." He says, "I'm not a painter."
A suspected foreign terrorist arrives at Kennedy Airport and is going through customs. He becomes extremely irate when the customs inspector insists on searching his bags. He screams at the inspector, "New York is the asshole of the world!" "And I take it," replies the inspector, "you're just passing through."
A flasher was thinking of retiring, but he decided to stick it out for another year.
A three-year-old boy is in the bathtub, studying his penis. He looks up at his mother and says, "Mommy, is this my brain?" The mother looks down at him and replies, "No, honey. Not yet"
The musician Prince is final conclusive proof that Jimi Hendix DID screw Liberace.
A woman asked me if I knew the three different types of orgasms are. When I said that I didn't, she explained them to me. "First," she said, "Is the religious orgasm: 'Oh God! Oh God! OH GOD!' then there is the positive orgasm: 'Oh Yes! Oh Yes! OH YES' and the third type of joke is the fake orgasm: 'Oh Jim! Oh Jim! OH JIM!'"
Q; Why do some men want to marry virgins?  A: They can't stand criticism.
Q: What can a swan do, that a duck can't, that a lawyer should?  A: Shove his bill up his ass.
Q; What two words will clear out a men's room quicker than anything?  A:  NICE DICK!
Did you hear about the prostitute with a degree in psychology?  She'll blow you're mind.
Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?  A: "You mean you ALL play for the same team."
Q: Why did God create lesbians?  A: So the feminist couln't breed
Q: What does an accountant do when he is constipated?   A: He works it out with a pencil.
An eighty-year-old woman goes to the doctor and finds out, much to her surprise, that she is pregnant. She immedeatly calls her husband on the telephone. "You old coot," she says, "you got me pregnant." The husband pauses for amoment, then asks, "WHO is this?"
Q: What kind of meat do priests eat?  A: Nun.
Scientis have discovered a food that instantly diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. It's called Wedding Cake.
A man comes home and finds his partner in bed with his wife. "Max!" he exclaims. "I have to. But you...?"
A Polish guy comes home early from work and finds another man in bed with his wife. He runs over to the dresser and pulls out a gun. He then puts it up on his own head. When the wife starts laughing the husband says to her, "Don't laugh you're next."
Q: What did Adam say to Eve when he got his first erection?  A: "Stand back! I don't know how big it's going to get."
Q: Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?  To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?  A: A blowjob with handlebars
A woman is standing before the judge explaining the grounds of her divorce. "The reason I want to divorce is because my husband is hobo-sexual." The judge replies, "Don't you mean HOMO-sexuality?""No" replies the woman, "He's a bum fuck."
A man is on trial for selling cocaine, and one of his neighbors is on the witness stand. The defense attorney gestures toward his client, then asks the witness, "Did you ever get drugs from this man?" "No," Replies the witness. The attorney fixes his gaze on the witness and asks, "Did you ever get any from his wife?" "No,sir," replies the man. The attorney walks right up to the witness, stares into his eyes and asks, "Did you ever get any from his daughters?" "Um..." says the witness, "...we're still talking about drugs here, right?"
Confucius say: Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
It's six o'clock in the morning. The toe looks over to the penis an says, "Psst! Hey!" The penis stands up. "Yeah?" He says. "You know,man," says the toe to the penis, "I've really got it tough. Every morning this guy gets up, shoves me into a stinking old sock, ties me up in this dirty old shoe, waks on me all over town, and people step on me all day long." The penis just looks at the toe and says, "Fella, you ain't got no problems at all. This guy gets up every day and shoves me into a size thirty jockstrap, and it's too tight. So I choke all day long. Then he goes over to his girlfriend's house, starts messing around with her, and I get all tense and excited, and I can't move a muscle. Then he shoves this rubber ballon over my head, locks me in a big hairy cage, and makes me do push-ups until I get sick and throw up."
Q: What does a brunette say after sex? A: "That was fantastic! I LOVE you! Do you want to get married?"  Q: What does a blonde say after sex?  A: "Next!"
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five woman to every man. Isn't that the damnedest time for a guy to get those odds.
Q: Why is it hard to be an egg?  A: You only get laid once, the only who ever sits on your face is your mother, it takes three minutes to get hard, and you come in a box with eleven others.
A little girl accidentally ealks in on her father going to the bathroom. Shocked, she runs to her mother and cries, "Mommy, Mommy! Daddy has a big fat ugly worm hanging out of his wee-wee!" "That's not a worm, Sweetie," comforts the mother, "that's a very important part of Daddy's body. If Daddy didn't have one of those, you wouldn't be here. And now that I think about it.... neither would I."
A father and a son are walking down the street when they happen to walk by two dogs mating. When asked by the boy what they were doing, the father replies, "Son, they're making puppies." That night the little boy wakes up because he is thirsty. He goes to his parents' bedroom, opens the door, and finds them making love. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Son, we're making babies," the father replies. "Oh," says the boy, "Well, could you turn Mommy over? I think I'd prefer having a puppy."
A sergeant and a major are sitting next to each other in the army base barbor shop. Their two barbers happen to finish giving them shaves at the same time, and are about to slap some aftershave on them, when the major shouts, "Hey! Don't put thath stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse." The sergeant turns to his barber and says, "You can put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smell like."
A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got some good news and some bad news." "Tell me the good news first," the patient says. "The good news is that your penis is going to be two inches longer and an inch wider." the doctor replies. "That's great," says the patient, "Whats the bad news?" "Malignant."
A man and a woman are getting undressed on their wedding night, when the bride says to the groom, "Be gentle with me honey, I'm a virgin." The husband is totally shocked. "How could you be a virgin?" he asks, "You've been married four times already!" "I know," replies the bride, "but my first husband was an artist, and all he wanted to do was look at my body. My second husband was a psychiatrist, and all he wanted to do was talk about it. And my third husband was a lawyer, and he just kept saying, "I'll get back to you next week!" "But what about the fourth?" "He was a milkman, but I rather not talk about that one."
A traveling salesman iis driving through the the country and stops at a farmhouse. He knocks on the door, and a little girl anwsers. The man looks down at her and says, "Hello, young lady, I am a feed salesman, and I would like to speak to your mother. Is she home?" "Yes," says the girl, "but she's upstairs screwing the goat." The man is quite surprised and asks, "But... but..... doesn't that bother you?" The little girl replies, "Naaaaah."
Q: What do you get when you cross a nun with a PC?  A: A computer that never goes down on you.
A middle-aged Jewish widow is walking through the park, when she sees a middle-aged man sitting on a bench. The man strikes her fancy, so she goes over and sits down next to him. They sit there in silence for fifteen minutes, then the woman decides that she must take the initiative. She turns to  the man and sweetly asks, "Do you like pussy cats?" The man's eyes widen and he turns to the woman, breaking into  broad smile. "How did you know," he said, "that my name is Katz?"
On the first day of school a teacher is introducing herself to her new third-grade class. "Children," she says, "my name is Miss Prussy. I'll write it on the blackboard for you." As she does this she says, "An easy way to remember my name is thayt it's spelled just like 'pussy', but with an 'r'." The following day the teacher asks her class, "Boys and girls, can any of you remember my name?" "I know," says one boy eagerly. "It's Miss Crunt!"
Q: Why is wonton soup a Jewish American Princess's favorite soup?   A: Because it's "not now" spelled backwards.
On a hot, dusty day, a cowboy rides into a small western town. After dismounting, he walks around his horse, lifts up his tail and kisses it where the sun don't shine. An old man sitting on a rocking chair in the front porch witnesses the whole thing. "Whudd'ya do that fer?" he asks. "Got chapped lips," he replies. The old man asks, "Does that help?" The cowboy says, "Nope, but it keeps me from licking 'em."
A guy is walking down Elevent Avenue late one evening when a prostitute comes up to him and says lasciviously, "I'll do ANYTHING you want for a hundred dollars if you can name it in three words." "Anything?" asks the incredulous man. "Anything at all?" The hooker winks at him, smiles, and says, "ANYTHING!" The man pauses for just a moment, and then says, "Paint..... my..... house."